Examples of Google Being Generally Hilarious
You heard it. You’ve probably seen it. When you use Google and start typing in something, the magic of the Google thinks it knows what you want to search for and gives you a list of auto-suggestions. Anyways, over the course of too long, I have compiled a list of humorous stereotypes and other hilarious shenanigans spitted out by Google’s auto suggest. Sadly, this list has been compiled for almost 2 months, with the screenshots just sitting on my desktop, mocking me. Calling me a lazy fuck and a bum and other such things.
I finally caved. Check it. Interestingly enough, about half of the ones I screenshotted weren’t funny in the slightest, so there’s something.
Jewish people are Asians, a fairly obvious start.
While I think “how stuff works” is generally just a fantastic search query and will undoubtedly provide you with the answers to all life’s questions, my winner here is “how to get pregnant”. On the Internet. The home of some of the most amazing disturbing smut known to man. To whoever searches for “how to get pregnant”, you’re really, really, really doing it wrong.
Err … I was just looking for something about a website. Promise.
I’m not married yet.
I’m planning ahead.
There’s really too much win going on here to pick just one. Though I must admit, I have always thought that Canadians would make good pets.
LITERALLY BRAH.
America’s mothafuckin’ hat biiiitch!
Retard-related terms are always fun with Palin, as she … Uhhh. Nevermind. Move along.
Dubya is a lot of things, but being a lizard clearly explains it all. Remind me to squash the next lizard I see. Gallagher style.
Maybe if she weren’t boning so many vampires she wouldn’t be such a whore.
Quick and Easy Facebook News Feed Tip
Since I can’t stop using Facebook, I at least thought I would share this little tip that will make your life a little easier when using the book of face. Simply put, you can create custom news feeds (ie - close friends, family, co-workers, sworn enemies and the like) that will only show you the updates of people you might actually know, yet alone care about!
Plus, this gives me a chance to show off my unbelievable paint skills.
Here’s how –>
- Hit this appropriately titled “create” button. It makes things do stuff.
- Fail at formatting your blog.
- Name your list. Make sure you hit enter after you cleverly name it.
- Add people to list. I obviously added my hated enemy Macey, and drew horns, and other fun things.
- Save. It pops up on the left, drag it to wherever you need. Since I want to be on my toes and keep tabs on my hated enemies, even though they are too busy reading men’s fashion magazines to properly use Facebook, I dragged my new list to the top.
- Phase 7 - ?
- Phase 8 - Profit.
That’s a reference to the underpants gnomes. If you don’t get it, catch up on things that are funny.
There you go, now go make lists and things and make your life on the interwebs meaningful.
What goes through the head of a new Twitter user
There’s a pretty typical Twitter new user cycle that I have noticed for people who are just signing up for Twitter. Yes list is most definitely also based on my Twitter history. Between this and Facebook, who needs real friends?
In a mostly particular order, here’s the thought process as you go through signing up for Twitter:
- Talk mad shit about Twitter. “Why the hell do I want to use Twitter? Who cares if Johnny Emokid is eating a bowl of Cheerios? Twitter sucks.”
- Get convinced by either a nerd, celebrity, or news outlet to give it a try.
- Your first Tweet is “Why am I on this … Stupid”, or something along those lines. My first tweet? “already regretting being on twitter
- I wnt but I dnt drink” …
I think that about covers it.
@peterahall this guy thinks that lists and blogging about Twitter and Facebook is cool. It’s not. Boom roasted.
My God This Signature Is A Thing Of Beauty
My God This Font Is A Thing Of Beauty
Twitter Now Owns My Soul
As much as it pains me to say it, I gave in to Twitter, or as I prefer to call it, the diarrhea of the internet. Think of it as a shameless web-based text message interface, except you are sending it to masses of people all at once, many of which you may or may not know. Hooray! Sarcasm aside, my work over at Hanapin and PPC Hero is doing it, which has forced me to start doing it. So here I am, doing it.
If anyone else is polluting the interwebs with their mass web-based text messages, feel free to ‘follow’ (Twitter lingo … lame) me and I’ll do the same. My username is peterahall.
Only positive thing is I can use interweb chat lingo there and its totally legit. Heck they might even understand it.
For example … “Hey guys, You all should really check out this great blog post on PPC Hero. It’s useful and will help prevent you from avoiding some common mistakes”
translates to
“omghi2u O_o@this it liek totally pwns newbs gives u uberhax zomgz”
Haha I spend too much time on the internet.
/Story
Gmail Themes - About Time?
At one point yesterday I felt like I was going crazy. If you think something naughty was going on, you’re mistaken. Story is, I’m working over at Swain. I had chugged a ton of coffee at work and was going to the bathroom every 12.45 minutes. I leave Gmail open. I go pee. I come back. My colors and layout of Gmail is completely different. I scratch my butt head. I am confused. End story.
I was at least expecting some sort of popup “Hey guy, we decided you like all blue better than our default, so here you go”. In all honesty, it looked pretty sweet, I was just caught off guard by the change after having the same color scheme for the entire existance of my account.
Then, later in the day, I get a popup, like 4 hours after it had already changed, trumpeting Gmail Themes. Of course, Themes. It isn’t a proper web application if there aren’t themes, right ? … They are sweet though. If you have Gmail, you can find them in your Settings –> Themes tab. There’s basic color schemes, and then some rando’s that I just had to share. You knew it was only a matter of time before themes came into play with Gmail. That being said, I simply must discuss three themes that stand out.
Terminal aka Old School Macintosh
I tried to run with this … It lasted about a half day before my retinas exploded and my eyes bled all over the keyboard. It is pretty cool though, in small dosages, much like my friend Stu. Green on black = bad for the ol’ eyeballs. Click on the image and you’ll see what I mean. I confused several people at work who walked by and noticed this theme, I purposely was muttering about other irrelevant 1980’s gems like the game Jumpman and the TV show Where in the World is Carmen San Diego. Then, I zinged them good by tossing my slap bracelet at their face.
Candy aka WTF
Ummm … Yeah. I suppose if you are into weird Japanese anime and wish to carry over your weird fetish for weird Japanese anime into your email to create a weird Japanese anime Gmail theme, then Candy is for you. Hello Kitty Island Adventure? I like chicken, I like liver, Meow Mix Meow Mix please deliver? I’m still trying to figure out why there’s a happy scoop of ice cream and a sad scoop of ice cream in the left hand navigation. My guess - weird Japanese anime.
Ninja aka Real Ultimate Power Awesomeness
If you wish to be respected in any sort of social circles, you simply must go with this theme. If you are any self-respecting individual, you simply must go with this theme. It contains ninjas, swords, nunchucks, ninja stars, karate kicks, hell even bowstaffs Napoleon Dynamite style. It certainly livens up your Gmail and helps you LIVE ON THE XTREME EDGE. That’s right, you know it’s extreme when it starts with an x. Plus, when you ’star’ an email, it ninja stars that bad boy now. XTREME.
Theres’ a bunch of other themes, like one of pebbles (lame), graffiti (decent), a desk (lame), some one with stars (decent), and a tea party (another huge WTF). I’m sure there will be custom themes before too long, or something every similar. Lastly, some of these themes ask you for your city … Not your state, or zip, or anything like that. Just your city. I have no idea why.
Keep on keepin’ on.
Bored? Stream Away With These Free Sites
There inevitably comes downtime while I’m working at Swain where theres not much going on. Instead of being productive (overrated), I choose to spend my time doing other irrelevant things - namely, watching TV shows and movies online for free, illegally legally! Yes, you can actually watch stuff free, and its legal. For example, I just watched the South Park World of Warcraft episode in all its glory. Staaaaaaan. Staaaaaaaaaaan! I’ve never had the chance to say this, but I love you Staaaaaaaaan! If that was jibberish to you, you’re missing out on the finer things in life.
Anyways, here’s some great sites to watch all kinds of nonsense and fill some time:
Every episode. Every season. They update the new eps the next day. It rules. Seriously, thats like thousands of hours of politically correct entertainment, free, high quality, glorious. I just watched yesterdays episode “I’m gonna slap the sh*t outta you!”, which was great, a lot better than the past few episodes. Circled in red are the seasons, easy to browse, as well as some other irrelevant things that I decided to circle for no reason, like Kyle’s ginger mop. Speaking of ginger’s, my buddy Argoe busted me saying Ginger the other day, it was priceless for those that witnessed. Cool story.
All the good stuff. Except for The Sarah Silverman Program and Chocolate News. Those shows blow. But its got The Daily Show, Colbert Report, RENO 911!, Futurama, even Chappelle’s show stuff from like 4 years ago (”Game, blouses.”). Oh, and Kenny vs. Spenny, that show’s pretty damn funny too, except I can never remember which one is Kenny and which one is Spenny. Regardless, Comedy Central is great for putting up their stuff for free on the web, considering it is a cable company and all.
Hulu is awesome, if you’ve never tried it. It’s got a bunch of different networks, shows, movies, even old stuff like the A-Team (PITY THE FOOL) and Married with Children. Here’s the real scoop about Hulu, pillaged from the Hulu website:
“Hulu brings together a large selection of videos from more than 100 content providers, including FOX, NBC Universal, MGM, Sony Pictures Television, Warner Bros. and more. Users can choose from more than 900 current primetime TV hits such as The Simpsons, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and The Office the morning after they air, classics like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The A Team, Airwolf and Married…with Children, movies like Men in Black, Ghostbusters, and The Karate Kid, and clips from Saturday Night Live, Friends and other popular TV shows and movies.”
It could have just said “Hulu wins.” I think that would generally have sufficed and conveyed all relevant points without the other mumbo jumbo. I assume there are tons of other ones out there, I’m not sure about their legality and what-have-you’s. But seriously, 900 shows is going to keep you satisfied for quite some time, also eliminating the need for me to list any other sites.
Zing!
Mail Goggles for Gmail - Your own online sobriety test
Beer goggles for your email
Last Week, In this post from the Gmail blog, we heard about Mail Goggles, a mechanism from the labs at Google that lets you set times and dates for your account to force you to correctly solve math problems before it will send that email that took you 30 minutes to type (and correct, and correct). This is hilarious, for a few reasons.
For one, my buddy Eric had his brother’s Gmail login information, and set the slider to the hardest difficulty level, for all hours of the day, ensuring that his brother would be fairly annoyed whenever he tried to send an email. We only wish that he had set up a camera so we could all be a witness. Maybe its not funny at all … I laughed though. Even better, look at this example:
Try to do this without using a calculator. Granted, this is on level 1 out of 5. Here’s an example from level 5 - 207+126. I could definitely see someone having serious difficulty solving this … unless you cheat with a calculator. Who does math by hand anymore anyways? Further, it has a ticker, Jack Bauer style! I hope it has some sound effects to make you sweat. Okay, I tested it, no sound. Lame. But still, the ominous countdown looms, which is good stuff. When it gets to 0, it resets with the following message “Oops, looks like your reflexes are a little slow. Try again.” It should say something better along the lines of “Wow … Really? I mean wow … really? Really? Wow.” and then whack you upside the head. Or, it could at least say something like “Hey, you’re the moron that enabled this in the first place. If you pre-emptively put a mechanism to try to stop yourself from emailing at certain times of the week, maybe you need to re-evaluate your life. Perhaps even get a job and cut your hair, hippie.”
There are some other (mostly) useless Gmail plugins from Google labs if you feel like wasting more time. Gotta give them props for the goggles though, hilarious if nothing else. I think what everyone really needs is Text Goggles - The same principle but for texting. That would actually help, as people are … <insert insult here> when they text after a night of drinking.
And props to Eric for the zinger on his brother, zing is a word you will see frequently on here so get used to it.
Mozilla Ubiquity = Awesome-O
This looks really promising. Mozilla, the makers of Firefox (What are you waiting for?) are at it again - This time, with some new software that may just change the way we assemble information. The gist of Ubiquity is the ability for a user to create whatever information they may need (maps, reviews, links, pictures, etc) by simply clicking a button and entering in some data. Here’s the kicker - Ubiquity is designed for natural language, meaning you don’t have to memorize any mumbo jumbo hibbity bibbity nonsense terminology, instead typing it out naturally. The video below does a much better job of explaining this. I think this could be incredible and I really look forward to giving Ubiquity a shot.
Ubiquity for Firefox from Aza Raskin on Vimeo.
