Random Factoid About Me, Peter Hall
I was on the Dream Team - No big deal. Attached proof. You may be asking where my uni was - I pre-emptively donated it to the Hall of Fame for enshrinement. PS - Sorry Stockton, I took your place.
Printers Are Useless Pieces of Garbage
Can anyone explain to me why printers are so stupid and useless? I’ve worked on and off with IU’s IT department for years, and printers have become the bane of my existance. And these aren’t garbage printers from 1993 like this one pictured, they are nice, expensive, SUPPOSED TO SDKFGSDKGJSDJKFG WORK printers. If you couldn’t tell, the printer at work isn’t printing right. It is crapping ink out all over everyones paper. And, of course, its my fault! I think beating the living hell out of a printer like in Office Space would be supremely satisfying in every way.
I cannot understand why we haven’t perfected the printer yet. They have been around for far too long to be this utterly unreliable and useless.
I haven’t kept a running tally, but printers are kicking my ass in a mono v mono battle royal cage match competition.
On a more positive note, this is why I would never take a full-time helpdesk job. That and the stupid problems your users manage to bother you with, such as (true story) “Um, my computer’s broken”. I walk over to her computer, and the power on the monitor was off. I guess that wasn’t really more positive at all, ah well.
Happy Friday, and GG printers, GG.
Ummm … No Comment?
Keeping my thoughts on this oh-so interesting subject aside, I see some chick in Nevada is selling her virginity over the interwebs. And the bid is up to 3.8 million bucks. Wow. And it has an image of her MySpace page … Not a fan, MySpace only works for prepubescent teeny boppers, emo kids, goth kids, pedos, weirdos, fake spam porn accounts, and vamp kids. And musicians I guess.
I would be willing to bet 3.8 million bucks that this girl isn’t a virgin.
OH YEAHS ITS CNN NEWSWORTHY!!11!!
The Top Nine Things About the 90’s, Part Deux
**Update 1/22/09 - Title could and probably should have been “Stuff I liked or thought was funny about grade/middle school”, but what can ya do**
As promised, here’s the riveting conclusion to my Top Nine Things About the 90’s two-part series. I originally only had 3 entries left, since I had 6 in the first one (dirka dirk 6+3=9), but I am going to throw in three bonus entries for your enjoyment. I mean really, The Top Twelve Things About the 90’s just doesn’t have that same gusto, that same pizazz, that same … Dammit, it does. I suck.
Now that I officially deem myself incompetent, I give you number 7
The Slinky
The Slinky! Everyone loves a Slinky! The Slinky spawned useless spin-offs, such as the Slinky Jr. (for wimps), plastic Slinkys (for sissies), and themed Slinkys (for geeks). Like how I threw in 90’s insults into that. Man I rule. I think this clip from Ace Ventura 2 sums up the best and worst of Slinkys. They were great, until they stopped one step before the bottom. The cruel inventor of this massive coil is laughing his ass off somewhere, as he purposely planned the Slinky to shatter your hopes, dreams, and aspirations by having the Slinky fail on you at the most critical juncture in all of humanity (the 2nd to last step). Curse you, Slinky inventor guy! Oh here’s the clip, makes me laugh every time.
Now that everyone wants to dig through their parents’ mothball-infested closet in a futile attempt scrounge up a Slinky, we’re moving on to
Extraordinarily Baggy JNCO Jeans
The JNCO marketing pitch - “Hey kids, want to look like an idiot? Want to look like your parents dropped you on your head several times as an infant? Want to get shunned by friends and foes alike? Try our JNCO Jeans! For bonus points, be sure to draw stupid graphics on them with a Sharpie! JNCO jeans, getting morons to look ridiculous for far too much money since 1993. JNCO, we’re lame.”
In case you didn’t figure that out, JNCO’s sucked hard. I was much cooler with my Silvertabs that I didn’t wash for 3 months, that got ripped up to my knees, that I put back together with a series of bobby pins.
So much cooler.
Now that I realized I’ve been lame all my life, I present to you
Nickelodeon
So much good came out of this cable television network. I mean, gee, Ren and Stimpy, Doug, Rugrats, Salute Your Shorts, GUTS, Double Dare, Wa-Wa-Wa Wild and Crazy Kids, Mr. Wizard, reruns of the Wonder Years (ohhhh Whinney!) … Enough said. Nick was awesome.
Now go on and grab yourself a piece of the Aggro Crag! In case anyone cared, my indoor team is named the Aggro Crag, no big, right Moira?
PS - Feel free to lump Saved by the Bell into this category. I would go into Saved by the Bell, but I could write a 353 page biopic on the subject, so I’m going to pass.
Now you know how much Nick and Saved by the Bell ruled, we move on to
America Online
Sit down at your parents computer inconveniently located in the family room so that your whole family can watch your every move. Kick your poodle Snickers off the desk chair because he’s a little wiener dog and you want to download a song from Napster or AudioGalaxy that will take at least 45 minutes to download. Click the AOL icon on your ancient desktop. Click on your awesome screen name, such as “PrincessBratLaura684SparklesGirlsHadReallyStupidScreenNames.” Hear your 14.4 modem dial out to a random access number. Ding Ding Ding Ding Kshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh EEOW EEOW WAAAAAA WAAAA WAAAA (Thats exactly the noise it made, bugger off) “Welcome! You’ve got mail!”
Oh my god, Billy’s online! I’ve never talked to him in person, but I did some cyber-research and found out his screen name, “GoBulls64263256DudesAlsoHadBadScreenNamesButStillMuchBetterThanChicks.” I’m going to IM him “Hi Billy, this is Laura, you don’t know me, but here I am, pestering you.” This, boys and girls, was the start of cyber-stalking, pre-Facebook. Kids now a days friend randoms and can see every single thing about them. Good call.
PS - I definitely IM’ed random chicks I had never talked to in my life and started talking to them. Keepin’ it classy as a rambunctious pre-teen, don’t worry about it.
You know you did it too liars, up next is
Gym Class (Red Rover and Dodgeball)
I loved gym class. Almost everything about it. I say almost, because of the dreaded Presidents Physical Fitness Challenge. It still haunts me to this day. I aced everything, the shuttle run, the flexibility test, the push up test … Until the dreaded pull-up test. I could never do more than like 6. So puny. So I always got the lame red (or was it blue) ribbon, instead of the desired blue (or was it red) champion of the universe ribbon. Lies and shenanigans, I tell you. Make Bush Sr. do 3 pull-ups. He can’t.
Back to the topic at hand, Red Rover and Dodgeball. These are lumped together because they were my favorite gym class games. Both had the element of strategery - go after the weak link, which was obviously fat kids and girls. Take a look at the picture. You would obviously attack straight up the gut in this instance. I would go right at the chick in the ugly green shirt and the chick that isn’t even looking in the pink shirt. They wouldn’t stand a chance. I’m tough as nails.
Dodgeball was more of the same, pelting and picking off girls and nerds one at a time until you were the champion.
I would have made a great bully if I wasn’t so small and could do more the 3 GD pull-ups.
Now that you’re wishing college and the real world had recess for such games, it’s time for our final entry
Aladdin’s Castle / The Arcade
Unfortunately, I couldn’t find any pictures of an Aladdin’s Castle arcade, but I did find a picture of their legendary tokens. The arcade was awesome growing up, owning kids in Street Fighter 2 and Mortal Kombat, playing Lethal Enforcers with that sweet bright blue plastic gun, bricking shots in pop-a-shot basketball, putting a 5 into the change machine and getting a ton (or 20) of tokens, and so on. Not to mention birthday parties there, where you got one of those lanyard type dealies that were also a sweet neon color, filled to the brim with tokens. Excellent.
Arcades now suck compared to 90’s arcades. First off, it’s like 2 bucks to play anything fun. Second off, They blind with you a billion flashing neon lights. News flash, its an arcade, not a casino … 90’s arcades were dark, gloomy, and ripe for weirdos to hang out at. That’s the way it should be. Now weirdos are forced to sit at their computers and play World of Warcraft all day long, the poor souls.
And there we have it, part deux of The Top Nine But Really Twelve But I Since I’m Incompetent and Can’t Count We’re Staying with Nine Things About the 90’s.
The Top Nine Things About the 90’s, Part One
Yep, this has nothing to do with technology, get over it. I’m in another nostalgic mood, and for some reason was thinking about the finer times in life. That;s right, the 90’s. I scrounged up a list of my favorite things about this decade of glory, some of which you may or may not have partaken in. If you had the pleasure of experiencing all nine of these things, you must be awesome-o in every way, and you are hereby rewarded with three gold stars, a smiley face, and a check-plus grade (sorry, you don’t get a plus, only I do for writing this). But, a check-plus was always a solid mark.
Oh and yes, thats my ms paint skills shining through once again, If you want lessons, they’re a bargain at 25 bucks an hour.
On to the list, we begin with a little item of fashion known as the
Slap Bracelet
Hopefully, this freak occurance will be the only time in the history of man that cheap, crappy pieces of plastic that forcefully wrap themselves around your hapless wrist like a king cobra are deemed cool. But man, they were cool. Not exaggerating, I think I tried to get one for around three weeks before I could get my hands on one. What likely happened was by the time I finally bought one, they were considered lame and I got beat up for being behind the times. Last note, I definitely remember having contests with other cool kids that had said slap bracelets to see how far you could throw one onto some other unsuspecting victims wrist. Ah, good times, the glory days.
Continuing on the highest echelons of fashion, I give to you
Hypercolor Tee Shirts
Seriously. All the Chester’s in todays world would absolutely love these things. When else could you freely grope another, for the corny excuse of seeing your handprint show up on their shirt. By the way, whoever’s mitts that left the print on the chick’s shirt are ginormous … My god. These shirts were incredibly terrible, in basically every way, and no one really had them, but they were still awesome. I’m pretty sure you had two ways to go with these things: One, never wash it and keep its ‘hypercolor’-ivity. Or, wash it, and it becomes an ugly colored tee-shirt that doesn’t even have a novelty to keep it interesting. Either way, you only wore it three times before your judgement finally got the better of you and you realized you looked like a moron.
Moving along, I give to you
Pogs
Haha, I’m laughing just looking at these things. Welcome back to the world of Slammers, Pads, Pogs, and lameness. I gotta ask this question - Who here recognizes the character on the pog in the 5th row, farthest to the right? Awesome. Gee golly gee Bobby, don’tcha know? Man I love the 90’s. Bonus question, what the $#%#$ does pog even mean … And how did they get popular? It was like gambling - for twelve year olds. “Dude I’ll trade you my ninja star slammer for your Full House Limited Edition Pog Set!” Bartering and gambling, important social skills to learn at a ripe age. I now blame pogs for the 200 bucks I lost gambling at French Lick a few weeks ago.
Now that I have successfully placed blame on something completely unrelated, I present to you a dual entry
Ravens Revenge / Caramel Apple Pops
That’s some tasty goodness right there boys and girls. I couldn’t really find a good picture of Ravens Revenge, but that’s not important. It was an XTREME (yes, xtreme with an X) variation of Pixie Sticks, in test tube format. They turned your tongue a variety of colors. They were sour. And sweet. And pretty good, if I remember. The reason why I lumped these two candies together is becuase of the rampant black market that occurred during middle school for these candies. Kids were turning mad bucks dealin out this schwag. I’m pretty sure they got banned from my middle school because it got so out of hand. Those sour apple caramel pop things are tasty. I want one now, thinking about it. Or maybe just any candy. Probably some Swedish Fish or Sour Patch kids. Mmmmmmm candy.
Now that I am craving candy from 1992, theres no where else to go except for
Ace of Base
Theres also ‘Don’t Turn Around’, if you want to watch that. It won’t let me embed it, so go find it yourself, slackers. Ace of Base, the best Eurotrash pop group this side of the Mississippi. They sure emerged in the right time in history, because if they tried to come out with this garbage now they would get deported faster than you can sing the ever-so-catchy “free credit report dot com” song (the original one, not the awful remakes).
Now that I can’t stop singing the “free credit report dot com” song in my head, we move on to
Four Square
This four square court looks so sad and lonely without people playing on it. Four square, unlike much of the funny / bad things from the 90’s, stands the test of time. I would play it right now, in the 24 degree weather, outside, in a wife-beater and polyester hot pants. While there were many, many varieties and flavors of four square, any seasoned vet knows that vanilla is the way to go. No bobbles, fireballs, or spikes here. Straight up plain Jane, no holds barred four square. Rumble in the jungle, battle in the Bronx four square. Ok I’ll stop now. Anyways, four square should be a professional league. I mean, there are professional leagues for much worse things than four square, like Scrabble. Or womens sports. Please direct all hate mail to my squire, Macey Dale.
With that offensive blurb I shall retire for the day. Check back for part two of this series, The Top Nine Things About the 90’s, Part Deux.
Till Next Week
I didn’t get to anything this week, but be sure to check back next week. It will be good, promise!
